College types part 2

THE THREAT:Black trench coat. Few words. Odd knowledge about weapons. And somehow, he always seems to sit next to you in class.

THE APATHETIC GENIUS The apathetic genius is the pinnacle of wasted potential. He shows up to most of his classes, and is minorly sociable. He is involved in class discussions but will never write a single page of notes, never does any extra credit or optional assignments, and never even reads the textbook or studies. Despite this he will consistently get A's and B's in every class he takes, all while exerting no apparent effort. This person probably has the ability to cure cancer some day, but years of being unchallenged and socially shunned will lead him to drop out after his first or second year.

THE DUDE WHO KNOWS FUCKING EVERYONE Everywhere you go, this guy knows somebody he has to high five and chat with for a little bit. He probably grew up in the area, has an outgoing personality, and is involved in a wide variety of activities that breach many social circles. Generally liked, although he may be too outgoing for some people. Generally doesn't have a lot of close friends, but makes up for it in sheer volume. This is the guy to talk to if you're interested in a new hobby, want to join a club, or just want to meet new people. May do incredibly outrageous things to get even more attention.

THE R.A .The R.A. lives to fuck up your social life. Lurking behind every dark shadow; The R.A. springs to action and stomps out any signs of fun, ranging from a friendly game of Bingo to a raging smorgasbord orgy. This guy, often hated by many feels because he is getting free housing owes it to his said college to annoy all with his passive –aggressive confrontational vendetta against all on campus students. All that is missing is a whistle, and a safety badge. Often useless, The R.A. does come in handy when the PHILOSOPHER STONER, JOHNNY FRAT BOY - or - SALLY SORORITY CHICK locks themselves out at 4am.

JUST DOING THIS FOR THE FREE HOUSING R.A. This RA just says hi and bye to residents. Decorates the bulletin board and complete the minimal number of required programs. This R.A. is cool as shit, but makes it clear they are only here for the free housing.

MAN-HATING FEMINIST Usually found in Women's Studies or English classes. They find enjoyment in discussing how the standard of beauty is too high and how the opposite sex has taken over the world. They also tend to wear clothing that shows off cleavage in order to show that they are comfortable with their bodies. They tend to be loud in class discussions and easily annoyed by male classmates. Almost every conversation turns into a discussion of how men are degrading women.

I-PLACED-INTO-HIGHER-LEVEL-CLASSES-YOU-SHOULD-THINK-I'M-THE-SHIT-CAUSE-I-DO! This individual is a Freshman, who managed to get placed into upper level courses. Because of this, he will establish a heightened feeling of self-worth, and will consider himself to be a worthy equal to the majors in said department. Will bring up the fact that they are a FRESHMAN at every opportunity, and will become confounded when the upperclassmen in the same major aren't fawning over him or trying to suck his cock out of amazement at how awesome he must be, because he's taking upper level classes, but he's merely a FRESHMAN. If it is a language course, they will try to chat in that language, regardless of the fact that you won't understand what-the-fuck. Not because they're better than you, but in their pretentious righteousness, they don't realize they completely suck at it.

THE SILENT, STRAIGHT-LACED GEM This girl is rather shy, quite studious, probably pretty conservative, and usually somewhat attractive in a sort of clean, traditional, classic way. Sometimes, her quietness or straight face may be misinterpreted as indifference or the "get away from me" look, but once you get to know her, she is actually quite nice and makes a decent friend. She doesn't drink or smoke - not because she's a "goody two-shoes", but because she genuinely has no desire to. Gets along with most people, has a decent social circle, but holds just a few close friends. May need a little push to get involved in activities. Makes a reliable friend. Is a hard worker, but can enjoy having fun too.

THE SKATER Lived across the hall from this guy. His roommate listened to Toto... odd combination.Usually listens to "emo" music and wears nothing but skate brands, sagging jeans with a belt and t-shirt (sometimes a hoodie and a beanie). The skater is rarely seen without skateboard in hand. He is not particularly bright, nor does he say much. These types when not skateboarding through campus by themselves travel in packs.

THE INDIE KID The indie kid is the guy/girl who wears nothing but vintage cloths purchase from thrift stores and listens to music by bands that nobody has ever heard of. Indie kids stick together, always involved in some sort of "intellectual" conversation about a worldly event (past or present) that everybody is not talking about. Often times the indie kid will go out of his or her way to mention something obscure to give themselves "indie cred".

THE EDUCATION MAJOR As a freshman, the education major parties excessively, because he or she knows in subsequent years, they won't be able to have any more late nights out due to having to go to field experience at a local school. The education major finds themselves wishing they could sign up for an 8 AM class because it feels like sleeping in when he or she compares it to waking up for field or student teaching at 5:30 in the morning.

HUSBAND/BRIDE TO BE Usually a freshman who is currently engaged. You often ask yourself how long will it last?, Why will anyone marry him/her?, when will he/she know that it may have been a bit too early? (After the divorce of course :D). Often talks about how he/she will be married soon, and relates a lot of the projects he/she has done to marriage. Will need a therapist in the future if it all goes wrong.

THE HIGH-SCHOOLER Typically a girl and a Freshman. Spends most of her time stereotyping hallmates, classmates, and other acquaintances based on what cliques they would have belonged to in her high school. Her favorite hobby is badmouthing these people because 'in HIGH SCHOOL' she would never have associated with them. She also enjoys critiquing and complaining about every aspect of college which is 'different' from her high school experience.

JUST HAPPY TO BE AWAY FROM HER DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FOR A SEMESTER GIRL Jhtbafhdffasg is usually the happiest person on campus. she doesn't take parties for granted. if there are five parties going on simultaneously, she's somehow having the time of her life at all five. She won't disrupt class with any senseless questions, although it may take some time to get used to her everlasting smile. She makes an awesome friend, always optimistic until winter break rolls around and you have to drag her out of her dorm kicking and screaming.

THE CHEATER This guy never studies for tests. He cheated his way through high school and knows every trick in the book. Instead of studying he spends his time trying to figure out how to steal the answers from the professor or storing formulas in his TI83. Every test grade is either an A (if they got the answers) or D or F (if they didn't). This will eventually lead to a final grade of a C.

THE SUBURBAN RAPPER The Suburban Rapper can be found in any common area, listening to his own music on his IPOD at an unreasonable volume. Generally (but not always) white, he awkwardly uses the words Dog, Crib, Homie, Phat, G, or Ill. If he spots you, he’ll ask you to “peep this new track yo,” or attempt to sell you tickets to his half-assed concert. His music is generally unbearable, and if you’re lucky, you can get away with only hearing a few verses. He always seems surprised that his poser antics never land him a girl, or a record deal.

ACTIVIST ANNIE Somewhat related to the man-hating feminist but has plenty more to piss her off than just men. Needs to get involved in every civil rights or ultra liberal campaign that has ever been mentioned on campus. Tries to make a cause out of every problem anybody has with authority, no matter how absurd or completely unfounded the complaint.

THE NEWLY-RIPE FRUIT This guy’s gay! You see, he’s only just found out and now he’s got to make up for lost time. He may have had a healthy interest in sports, or board games - but no more. He tries, for the sake of decorum, to occasionally talk about things that do not directly involve his gayness, but he is unequal to the struggle and five or six minutes down the line, the increasingly one-sided conversation has shifted to his multiple fuck buddies, or one of his alarmingly variegated fetishes. You see, just liking cocks isn’t enough - that’s not gay enough for the Newly-Ripe Fruit to truly express himself. He must round his sexuality out with public discussion of whips or chains or piss drinking, but more often than not he decides he is a furry as well, and won’t let it escape anyone’s notice. Possibly does more to set back the cause of tolerance than Fred Phelps ever did.

THE NURSING STUDENTOMG BUSY! These girls (invariably) are incredibly busy with their workload. Despite this, they get shit faced constantly with their fellow nursing school students, only to wake up at 5am for their OB rotation. Often incredibly attractive, these girls typically are still attached to the same guy they knew in high school, who they will marry.

THE MEGAPHONE This guy seems pretty intelligent and contributes with a vast amount of knowledge. Unfortunately he has got no grasp of volume at all. Will scream across the room with a content smile on his face while embarrassing the people around him. When conversing with The Megaphone you can’t decide if he is constantly pulling your leg or just doesn’t realize what the hell he is telling you. Does never know when to shut up but magically manages to never piss anyone seriously off.

MR. ROTC CADET Often seen traversing campus in fatigues, yet his pack is devoid of water, map, GPS, or other survival gear. Instead, he packs the same Biology 101, Spanish II, and English Rhetoric texts that you do. Known to major in Criminology or Criminal Justice, and may show up to 8 a.m. class in PT gear, not having had time to make it home for a shower and shave after his morning run. Placed by God on Earth to counter the ramblings of Passionate Politico with physical threats (if PP is a male) or ramblings of his own stripping PP of her human/constitutional rights (if PP is a female). Very loyal to his friends and beliefs, Mr. ROTC Cadet is generally a good guy to have as a friend, or at least an amiable acquaintance

.THE STUDIO ART MAJOR: The S.A.M. totes around a humongous portfolios (often containing works of art only other S.A.M.’s can appreciate) manages to whack near passersby’s and destroy other objects in their path. The studio major whine’s about spending all their money on ridiculously expensive studio supplies, yet they have enough for a regular smoke…you know, for the stress. Unfortunately, studio courses are inhumanely time-consuming, so the S.A.M. are almost always held up in the studio labs, yet the degree is absolutely worthless, thus resulting in a downward mental spiraling of the said major students. You could spot them easily by their odd sense of “fashion”, consisting of articles such as striped socks, ripped jeans and unsightly hairstyles. The best way to test if an individual is a studio arts major is to ask him/her to help you count, as most can’t do math to save their lives.

THE ETHNIC TREASURE Comes from a multi-ethnic back ground, and will constantly bring this up. They will write articles in the school paper about how delightfully confused they are about not knowing which ethnic stereotypes to conform to.

THE “GARY” The name is very personal and is why I choose to use it, it became a code word for these type of guys. Not exclusive to university.Usually an unattractive guy who thinks he is a stud and acts like he is hung like a porn star. Thinks he can charm and seduce any woman by lecherously rubbing her back and give back massages while trying to undo her bra. Always touching up girls even if they give the message they are not interested, even in front of their boyfriend. But thats cool, he has a black belt in Karate so will be ready to fight off any pissed boyfriends. Carries a pair of handcuffs with him and loves to put girls through bondage in the pub even if they don’t want it.

THEY LIVE AT THE COFFEE SHOP It might be an on-campus coffee shop or one right near campus, but either way they’re there. Always. The group can get quite large, but there’s a core of about four people. Usually this core consists of: a fat, annoying girl; a gay guy; a theater major (male or female); and an older guy, either a grad student/limpet or a townie. This core group will invariably occupy the coffee shop’s only couch; if there are more than one, they will occupy the best couch. No matter where you are in the coffee shop, you will hear them laughing, shouting, calling one another hot, singing along with the song playing on the stereo (”omigod i luv this song!!”), and erupting into a chorus of “BYEEEE’s” whenever one of the group finally decides to leave.

NIGHT OWL Staying up long after you’ve gone to bed, a Night Owl roommate may periodically awaken you with a laughing fit after reading a Chuck Norris joke on some crappy forum or heating water in the microwave for a 3 AM cup of ramen. May be seen complaining about the lack of places open in town at 1 in the morning on Tuesday night. The Night Owl is also likely to skip morning classes.

The Karaoke superstar: Possessing the incredible ability of knowing the lyrics to every song ever written, but unfortunately lacking the talent to flaunt it properly, the Karaoke Superstar molds every moment of their life into that of an American Idol reject. Whether it be wailing along to their favorite Nickelback song at the bar, or belting out Phil Collins in the dorm shower at 8 in the morning, the Karaoke Superstar fails to hit the right notes every time. Those in earshot will reel in horror at the audio assault, exclaiming “Oh my God, a cat fell into the blender!” or “It sounds like someone is scraping a cheese grater across 200 feet of blackboard!” The Karaoke Superstar falls under the category of “completely ignorant,” believing their vocal stylings to be those of a professional. Frequently an actual Music major, mentioning their shortcomings will result in a major blow to their ego.

THE CELLPHONE TERRORIST The Cellphone Terrorist has the capability to disrupt classes without even being present. They will leave their belongings in class as they go for a bathroom break when, suddenly, the sound of “My Humps” fills the room. Yes, that’s The Cellphone Terrorists new ring tone for this week and it isn’t going to stop until they return. Those unfortunate enough to be sitting beside The Cellphone Terrorist will hang their head in shame as piercing gazes are shot directly their way.Upon return, The Cellphone Terrorist will usually check their missed calls and proceed to call said person back by means of a covert coat-over-the-head technique that they have perfected.

AGENDA ASSAILER The Agenda Assailer has (surprise!) an agenda to push on everyone else. If you’re in, say, a science class you’ll get to hear about how the scientist who discovered some principle was a racist or misogynist and therefore his scholarly work is somehow meaningless. Even though the rest of the class is just there to learn, the Agenda Assailer will attempt to turn every class into a political debate. Here’s an example from a history class:quote:Professor: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.AA: How can you even SAY that?!?!?!?! He owned slaves!!!Professor: Well, yes. But he still wrote it.AA: Well then he’s a hypocrite and we should THROW OUT the Declaration of Independence!!!

MADDEN JR. This student’s life revolves around sports. He can quote sports scores, character stats, and just about anything from some obscure game last week. Not only did he watch it, he studied it while his classmates were studying for that quiz he failed. He usually arrives in class approximately 10 minutes late wearing his favorite sports team hat and jacket, only to talk about sports for the entire class. Interestingly, the Madden Jr. rarely, if ever, has any athletic ability of his own, and is often obese due to a diet consisting entirely of nachos.

BRING ME UP, KNOCK ME DOWN He/She is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. One day he will roll out of bed, take an exam without studying, and beat you by two full letter grades after you spent the night studying. However, the next day, you show him your 0.96 GPA only to find out that he is maintaining a 0.86 (largely from the fact that he stopped attending a class because it conflicted with his favorite television program.)He is always there to help. Whatever jam you have yourself in, he will, with ease, find a way to pull you out. However, he will do so with so much reluctance, he makes it sound as though Sisyphus (look it up) had an easy go of things. He will passive aggressively start conversations about what a drag it is being the designated driver, only days after he drove your drunk ass home.He is the infinite conundrum of friendship. He is always there for you. Unfortunately he is always there.

The PASSIONATE POLITICO Whatever wing of the political bird he resides within he’ll be damned sure to inject his angry rhetoric and sound bites into any classroom conversation regardless of topic. Often twitchy you can spot an outburst before it happens by looking for a grimaced mouth, spasming eye, tapping foot or softly pounding fist (because he thinks no one will notice), then out comes the insanity.

DRAMA NERD Often found roaming (or more often loafing) in packs of 4 to 7, the drama nerd is best known for not shutting the fuck up ever and oh god i mean ever regarding new musicals, old musicals, how non-theater majors are intellectually devoid of any redeeming quality, who got cast where, etc. The drama nerd is mostly self-delusional, and if one is to ask it about it’s past, the response often involves “well you know I just had the WORST time in high school i mean nobody understood me there but when I got to college I just felt like a BUTTERFLY, able to finally open my creative WINGS” and other such inane metaphors. The Drama nerd does, somehow, get laid all the goddamn time, but only by other Drama nerds, resulting in chain-reaction mega-drama-bombs that will certainly resonate throughout the school because these losers will not shut up about how Johnny Actor face “TOTALLY USED ME” at high volumes in the library during finals week. Somehow possessing both the largest and smallest reserve of self-confidence of any college student simultaneously, ladies and gentlemen: the Drama Nerd.

I’M TO IMPORTANT TO BE HERE GIRL This girl is much too busy to do something as menial as class. She’s in a sorority, she’s in the student senate and she’s got a boyfriend on the lacrosse team. She treats class like it’s a bother- much like a PTA meeting. During the entire class period, her blistered thumbs are hammering at the tiny keys on her super expensive new cell phone that Daddy’s bought her three times because she keeps wearing it out. Whenever the professor asks her to stop her hammering, her face curls up worse than Reese Witherspoon’s after eating out an asshole.

I STUDIED ABROAD AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE This person has spent anywhere from 3-12 months in a country that isn’t too different from our own, but it’s sooo much better. It’s so cultured and you can drink without having the draconian American laws over your back. Most of this student’s stories involve getting drunk and hooking up with a creepy older gentleman or passing out on the couch interspersed with some sightseeing. But it changed her life, like OMG i totally know how people in other countries live and I’ll keep talking and talking and talking about it.

THE COMPUTER DUMMY Cannot use a computer or any technology to save their life. This person will rely on you to help them type up reports, assignments, or use excel/power point/access for projects. Will also become dazzled if they see you playing any kind of video game or watching a DVD in your dorm, and will want to learn more about it.

THE LOVE-HATER:The guy/girl who’s too cool for romance, and has to insult every couple that passes their way. Whether staring, snickering, or outright making an idiotic comment, the love-hater somehow tries to be “different” by not looking for an opportunity to pass on their genes. Needless to say, these types are usually at home practicing their five-knuckle shuffle.

THE “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT” NINJA: These people are ninjas in disguise, often lurking amongst the normal people. They seem nice at first, but when they come to the part of the discussion of majors, the inevitable question of “What are you going to do with that?” comes up. Usually in a patronizing tone, they also carry shiruken… too bad that the weapons are so far up their a$$es that they can’t utilize them.

THE WANNA-BE JOCK: The chubby idiot in the back of the classes, busy bragging about the amazing three pointer he pulled in a game with the boys. However, if studied in its natural habitat, the Wanna-be Jock can be seen getting the only sports exposure from a video game console. NOTE: If encountering one of these during its ritualistic video gaming, beware of celebrations. They often involve screaming and waving when they get an extra point on Madden NFL.

THE YING-YANGER:Found in most of the female population in college settings, the Ying-Yangers are those who, if approached by someone athletic, will swoon and bend to their every whim. However, if approached by someone of the least bit imperfection, the Ying-Yanger will sneer in disgust… if providing a reaction at all.

THE NON-STREET GANGSTA: Often seen wearing designer clothes, the NSG is often male. They talk street, smoke pot, and pretend that they are the toughest thing around. Often found hiding from real fights or blasting rap music from a dorm window in hopes to attract a mate.